If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
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I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
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Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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