Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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