i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
