I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize