She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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