i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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