Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I didn't notice because vodka
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
