there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
