I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
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Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
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Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Terrible idea I love it
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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