"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
