Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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