Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
