I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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