there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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