Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
