Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
did i just pee glitter
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
