make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
