What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Randomize
