ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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