the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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