True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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