i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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