if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
