My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
