I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
