I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
