I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
