I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
