My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize