I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
