Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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