Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
