my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
