She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
