i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
