the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
