It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
