I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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