ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
