are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
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