In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
