Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
They took my balls.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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