you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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