So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
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