I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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