is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
