i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
