I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
