I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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