please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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