the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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