Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
