I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
