I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
