I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
