He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
