Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
