we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
