I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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