He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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